Love Myself.

I hate to admit this but today I had a slight melt down over the fact that I don’t fit into any of my clothes at the moment. After a high dose of prednisone for ten days, everything is too tight and uncomfortable. I fit perfectly fine in work clothes, I mean scrubs are pretty forgiving and hide my swollen belly. My clothes that I wear on the weekends, or out to a date with my husband definitely don’t hide anything. I sat in my closet crying for a solid five minutes before my husband got home from work today, frustrated beyond belief that the only article of clothing that was “comfortable” (not really, but I’ll just say that) was a graphic tee that’s not cute and a pair of jeans that are considered my old jeans…. The ones I wore when I was 180 pounds.

Here’s the thing, I love myself and my body. I have a pretty decent figure and although I am not fit, skinny or toned in any way, I definitely rock my body like I am. Today was just not one of those days where I appreciated the fluff though. As I tried on five different pairs of jeans and seven different tops, I felt like a giant turd. Earlier in the week I stepped on the scale at work, something I never do because I don’t care, and noticed I was up about seven to eight pounds from my usual fluctuating weight. It’s not that I’m eating anymore or any less but rather the toll that the medication takes on my body. It makes me fluffy and jiggly, and definitely not in a cute Jiggle Puff kind of way.

As I stood in the bathroom straightening my hair before dinner tonight I couldn’t help but tear up at the sight of my swollen self in the mirror. K said he didn’t notice any difference and that I’m always beautiful to him, but doesn’t he have to say that? That’s kind of part of his job, right… I hurriedly put on a face of makeup and although K was trying not to rush me we were running late for dinner. While K was driving across town, I sent J a text saying, “We’re only on S & V, I kind of had a meltdown.” It’s embarrassing to admit that to people other than K and my mom, as I wear a brave face in public, even around my closest friends.

Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully filled with happiness and zero moments of sadness about tight jeans and shirts. I appreciate every single one of my readers and please know that you all are a part of my life now. Your continued support, love and prayers are appreciated more than most of you realize. One of my stories will be published on The Mighty within the next couple weeks and will share it once it’s on the site!


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